If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
