I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
