dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
