I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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