I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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