Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
