I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
