I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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