i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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