Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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