Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
