just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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