you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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