Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Also, beer. Big fan.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
