Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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