I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
