What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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