I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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