So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
