im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
