Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
