Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
