I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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