We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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