So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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