it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
