We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
