I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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