I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You are the jesus of drinking
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
