So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
