Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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