I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
