I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
