i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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