She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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