my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
