why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
