My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You are a genius and a whore.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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