TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
