Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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