Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
