cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
