We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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