I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
