I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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