Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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