I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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