Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
