Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
