I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
